I know it seems a little depressing, but then again everyone does feel lonely and upset. I won't lie, I do feel like this the majority of the time, it's just no one ever notices. It's easy for me to put on a fake smile for everyone and just say that I am alright and that I am happy, but inside it is just constant pain and loneliness. Most people would think lonely people need a relationship to make them feel wanted, but for me it is not the case, I can do fine without relationships in the intimate sense. Personally I think guys get in the way some time, at least that is what I think now having dated the dull and annoying people I have. I don't need family relationships, I have those between my mother and her boyfriend and my second mom at school, I am set on a family keeping watch over me. What I need are friends...or friends that don't leave me lonely.
At school I have my second mom, but other times I am alone and just staring into nothing. Sure I have some friends in my life, but I feel like I don't have any to keep me company. Sure I like my alone time and such, but sometimes I wouldn't mind going out and doing things, but I won't just invite myself to places with my friends, like to karaoke or snowboarding, I just sit there and wait...I wait for the invitation and when it never comes I just stare out the window keeping back tears as I fight back the thought that I am truly lonely when it comes to friends.
It's not just the fact that they go out and don't invite, it is the thing that sometimes I can't go because of the smoke. Usually if I do go somewhere with people and someone decides they can't go then I fall back and flex what I wanted to do to their needs and wants. There is never anyone asking what I want to do instead or where I want to go. I am basically here to accomidate everyone. And I do give myself some of the blame in saying that I don't want to go somewhere all the time, it is just the privilege of being asked and wanted there. If I do get asked it is purely out of pity.
I try so hard to please people and I get nothing in return. People who I introduce to my friends know each other better than I know either of them, I am basically the person who introduces and then is forgotten. It feels awful each time it is done to me, but no one cares to ask. People think a hug will make things better but they don't, not unless they listen as well. The terrible thing is that when you want to tell them something you fear how they will react. That is how it is with me. I want to tell them something that is bothering me and I can't because in the end I am the bad guy and the one apologizing. I am always apologizing to people. It is never the other way around, I feel guilty and then I apologize. When I was depressed and suicidal, I apologized for everything that happened to me. The rape, the anger, everything that I knew was not my fault I apologized and everyone let me.
Do you know how much I want to scream. To sit down everyone one of my friends and tell them how I feel. How I feel like I have been left behind. Forgotten. How I am merely the introducer and then pushed away. How I am just there until someone better comes along. How I am no fun because I don't want to do what everyone else wants to do. For once I wish someone...one of my friends...would listen to me and make me feel wanted instead of like a complete nothing....Anyone?
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Graduation Noose
Right now I have this image in my head where I am standing in front of a room full of people with a noose around my next. They keep asking the same question over and over again..."What are you going to do after graduation?" Each time I don't answer or say "I don't know" the noose gets tighter around my next until finally the world goes dark.
I won't lie it is a bit morbid, but that is exactly how it feels to me every single day since this semester started. Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do after college and I feel like I am on trial constantly. I want to scream at them and say "I don't know. Leave me alone!" but that isn't the right answer. It is never the right answer.
People and friends keep saying they understand what you are going through but they don't unless they have been there like graduates or a graduating class. You feel like the world is on your shoulders that one wrong move everything will drop down on you. Some people have it all figured out, but I don't. I am terrified that the noose will tightened to the point that everything becomes black...I fail...and graduation kills me.
I want to say that I am confident like other people and that I think graduating will be freedom but it really isn't. You have to come to terms with the world, the pitiful job market, the cruel reality that you may either fail or succeed and that is enough to scare you.
As much as I want to think like people I know that in a few months I will have a diploma and not the slightest idea what to do with it. I will look at this piece of paper and wonder what do I do with my life now? School and my family has taken care of me for all of these years, giving me a place to learn, have fun, and feel loved, but the majority of the world is not like that. I will go into a cold world where I have to figure things out myself and live with the decisions I make. It is enough to drive you mad, but in the end you know you can't lose it, there has to be some part to keep it together.
As I look at the jury of people with the noose around my neck all I can think is what will my answer be to them when I finally think of one? What do I want to do after graduation? And will the answer be satisfactory?
I won't lie it is a bit morbid, but that is exactly how it feels to me every single day since this semester started. Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do after college and I feel like I am on trial constantly. I want to scream at them and say "I don't know. Leave me alone!" but that isn't the right answer. It is never the right answer.
People and friends keep saying they understand what you are going through but they don't unless they have been there like graduates or a graduating class. You feel like the world is on your shoulders that one wrong move everything will drop down on you. Some people have it all figured out, but I don't. I am terrified that the noose will tightened to the point that everything becomes black...I fail...and graduation kills me.
I want to say that I am confident like other people and that I think graduating will be freedom but it really isn't. You have to come to terms with the world, the pitiful job market, the cruel reality that you may either fail or succeed and that is enough to scare you.
As much as I want to think like people I know that in a few months I will have a diploma and not the slightest idea what to do with it. I will look at this piece of paper and wonder what do I do with my life now? School and my family has taken care of me for all of these years, giving me a place to learn, have fun, and feel loved, but the majority of the world is not like that. I will go into a cold world where I have to figure things out myself and live with the decisions I make. It is enough to drive you mad, but in the end you know you can't lose it, there has to be some part to keep it together.
As I look at the jury of people with the noose around my neck all I can think is what will my answer be to them when I finally think of one? What do I want to do after graduation? And will the answer be satisfactory?
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