I know it seems a little depressing, but then again everyone does feel lonely and upset. I won't lie, I do feel like this the majority of the time, it's just no one ever notices. It's easy for me to put on a fake smile for everyone and just say that I am alright and that I am happy, but inside it is just constant pain and loneliness. Most people would think lonely people need a relationship to make them feel wanted, but for me it is not the case, I can do fine without relationships in the intimate sense. Personally I think guys get in the way some time, at least that is what I think now having dated the dull and annoying people I have. I don't need family relationships, I have those between my mother and her boyfriend and my second mom at school, I am set on a family keeping watch over me. What I need are friends...or friends that don't leave me lonely.
At school I have my second mom, but other times I am alone and just staring into nothing. Sure I have some friends in my life, but I feel like I don't have any to keep me company. Sure I like my alone time and such, but sometimes I wouldn't mind going out and doing things, but I won't just invite myself to places with my friends, like to karaoke or snowboarding, I just sit there and wait...I wait for the invitation and when it never comes I just stare out the window keeping back tears as I fight back the thought that I am truly lonely when it comes to friends.
It's not just the fact that they go out and don't invite, it is the thing that sometimes I can't go because of the smoke. Usually if I do go somewhere with people and someone decides they can't go then I fall back and flex what I wanted to do to their needs and wants. There is never anyone asking what I want to do instead or where I want to go. I am basically here to accomidate everyone. And I do give myself some of the blame in saying that I don't want to go somewhere all the time, it is just the privilege of being asked and wanted there. If I do get asked it is purely out of pity.
I try so hard to please people and I get nothing in return. People who I introduce to my friends know each other better than I know either of them, I am basically the person who introduces and then is forgotten. It feels awful each time it is done to me, but no one cares to ask. People think a hug will make things better but they don't, not unless they listen as well. The terrible thing is that when you want to tell them something you fear how they will react. That is how it is with me. I want to tell them something that is bothering me and I can't because in the end I am the bad guy and the one apologizing. I am always apologizing to people. It is never the other way around, I feel guilty and then I apologize. When I was depressed and suicidal, I apologized for everything that happened to me. The rape, the anger, everything that I knew was not my fault I apologized and everyone let me.
Do you know how much I want to scream. To sit down everyone one of my friends and tell them how I feel. How I feel like I have been left behind. Forgotten. How I am merely the introducer and then pushed away. How I am just there until someone better comes along. How I am no fun because I don't want to do what everyone else wants to do. For once I wish someone...one of my friends...would listen to me and make me feel wanted instead of like a complete nothing....Anyone?
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Graduation Noose
Right now I have this image in my head where I am standing in front of a room full of people with a noose around my next. They keep asking the same question over and over again..."What are you going to do after graduation?" Each time I don't answer or say "I don't know" the noose gets tighter around my next until finally the world goes dark.
I won't lie it is a bit morbid, but that is exactly how it feels to me every single day since this semester started. Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do after college and I feel like I am on trial constantly. I want to scream at them and say "I don't know. Leave me alone!" but that isn't the right answer. It is never the right answer.
People and friends keep saying they understand what you are going through but they don't unless they have been there like graduates or a graduating class. You feel like the world is on your shoulders that one wrong move everything will drop down on you. Some people have it all figured out, but I don't. I am terrified that the noose will tightened to the point that everything becomes black...I fail...and graduation kills me.
I want to say that I am confident like other people and that I think graduating will be freedom but it really isn't. You have to come to terms with the world, the pitiful job market, the cruel reality that you may either fail or succeed and that is enough to scare you.
As much as I want to think like people I know that in a few months I will have a diploma and not the slightest idea what to do with it. I will look at this piece of paper and wonder what do I do with my life now? School and my family has taken care of me for all of these years, giving me a place to learn, have fun, and feel loved, but the majority of the world is not like that. I will go into a cold world where I have to figure things out myself and live with the decisions I make. It is enough to drive you mad, but in the end you know you can't lose it, there has to be some part to keep it together.
As I look at the jury of people with the noose around my neck all I can think is what will my answer be to them when I finally think of one? What do I want to do after graduation? And will the answer be satisfactory?
I won't lie it is a bit morbid, but that is exactly how it feels to me every single day since this semester started. Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do after college and I feel like I am on trial constantly. I want to scream at them and say "I don't know. Leave me alone!" but that isn't the right answer. It is never the right answer.
People and friends keep saying they understand what you are going through but they don't unless they have been there like graduates or a graduating class. You feel like the world is on your shoulders that one wrong move everything will drop down on you. Some people have it all figured out, but I don't. I am terrified that the noose will tightened to the point that everything becomes black...I fail...and graduation kills me.
I want to say that I am confident like other people and that I think graduating will be freedom but it really isn't. You have to come to terms with the world, the pitiful job market, the cruel reality that you may either fail or succeed and that is enough to scare you.
As much as I want to think like people I know that in a few months I will have a diploma and not the slightest idea what to do with it. I will look at this piece of paper and wonder what do I do with my life now? School and my family has taken care of me for all of these years, giving me a place to learn, have fun, and feel loved, but the majority of the world is not like that. I will go into a cold world where I have to figure things out myself and live with the decisions I make. It is enough to drive you mad, but in the end you know you can't lose it, there has to be some part to keep it together.
As I look at the jury of people with the noose around my neck all I can think is what will my answer be to them when I finally think of one? What do I want to do after graduation? And will the answer be satisfactory?
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Inside and Out: The Full Story
So I know that these things are usually put in an About Me section or something, but honestly if it is long, you would probably much rather read it as a post or something. So here it is, the semi complete story of me...edited for my convinence.
Basically I was born on a Naval Base where my mother was stationed. I was born a bastard. Am I ashamed? No! Should I be? No! The way I figure it, my biological father missed out on someone pretty fucking fantastic. I have probably accomplished more in my life then he ever will and that makes me pretty happy in the end.
I won't lie there was a time when I felt something was missing in my life, but doesn't everybody feel like that now and again? Sure I want to know, I want to see if he has changed from the guy who rejected me into an actual human being, but I guess that will have to wait. On the other hand, I was adopted by a guy my mom met and married and he became dad. Yes I was daddy's little girl, but I can't say I am as much anymore, but I will post about that later.
My mom and adopted dad split up in either '05 or '08, to be honest I really can't remember. But I moved in with my mom and her boyfriend and my dad got married later on. I was devestated at first because, you know, he was the only dad I knew, but I accepted it and moved five minutes down the road. I can't complain, the last 7ish years have been great with mom and her boyfriend and my brother (for the most part). We play video games, watch races and football, drink, have parties, and all of that other crazy stuff. It usually doesn't get too dull there. It also helps that I have my two cats and my two, soon to be, three dogs to keep me on my toes. But more on that later.
My life is not perfect, fa from it really, excluding all of the stuff I just said above. I have had problems since I hit my teens and no it is not PMS or whatever that crap they try to feed you in middle school. I was and still am depressed, suicidal, self concious, lonely, angry, and all of that lovely stuff. As much as people say it is up to you how you live life and only you can fix it...sometimes you can't. I finally hit rock bottom during my sophmore year of college when I was raped and then used twice by two guys I thought I could believe in to be there for me. I was wrong. I can't blame them entirely though, I was searching for someone to like me and make me feel like this horrible thing didn't just happen to me, but they were in love with another girl. I forgave one of them because that person is still my friend today and married to his love and one of my best friends. The other one can burn in hell with the guy who destroyed me.
After those events I just lost hold of everything. I didn't want to go to class, see anyone, eat or anything. I just wanted to die somewhere and get away from this world. I was suicidal, but I can admit that in some way I wanted somone to help me and pull me from despair. That brings us to the bridge. My best friend came and found me crying at the bridge and tried to calm me down while the police took me to the hospital. I stayed there for three days before I got out and withdrew from the rest of the semester. I took the whole summer to get the help I really needed like therapists, psychiatrists, everything.
I wasn't easy to deal with during that summer. I was angry at everyone and everything. I took it out mostly on my mom which made me feel like I was the worst daughter. I felt like I was the messed up child, the one hat my mom didn't want to have and I yelled at her for it. I had this idea in my head that she depised me for all the trouble I was putting her through, but she didn't hate me. She took care of me even through all the stuff I did, she was there taking me to appointments, making sure I took my meds, making sure I wasn't thinking about certain things. So I started to calm down.
The next school year I did okay with going to classes, keeping myself busy, and trying to get involved. Most people were just happy not to see me crying or running off to bridges. Luckily, there was this group started called One Student, which worked toward eliminating sexual assault on college campuses. I figured that this group was exactly what I needed to help get over some things that lingered. I wanted to make sure that situations like mine didn't happen to anyone else and I was so happy to know other people wanted to join the fight. Also I was given the opprutunity to be the leader of a Feminist group on campus. But that was the end of my junior year and things would be in process the coming year. But, I passed all of my classes even the ones I had to make up from the previous semester and I was on my way to my graduating year...this year.
Okay now we are up to the most current year of my life which is my graduating year and Shepherd University Class of 2012. In the fall of this year I went into full graduating mode, trying to get involved as much as I could, passing my classes, working, and everything. I figured there was so much of the camps I had yet to experience. Last fall I ended up doing a play called "The Vibrator Play" in which I was the wet nurse...yes wet nurse. Those were lojng weeks of rehearsal and performances, I thought I was going to die from either exhaustion or not seeing my cats. It was almost cats. Besides doing the play I was now involved with the One Student group and the Feminist group. The Feminist group didn't last long due to conflicting schedules and the play. One Student was put on the back burner due to the play as well. In the end of the semester though I was involved as much as I could be, but I have been doing more this semester.
Which brings us to this smester currently. I am finishing out my year by taking two required classes, and three easy classes, while doing an internship. It doesn't sound so busy, but when your school cuts two weeks out of the semester its hard to find a way to fit 120 hours for an internship when the schedule is loose. Luckily, I could make the internship flexible between two people to fill up the hours. In my spare time I try to keep up with my homework, focus on graduation, have some me time, and figure out how to go home. But things find a way to work out. I am just hoping to pass Darboe's class and my first aid class to be certified.
Other than classes I am an active member of One Student and helping with events. We were going to attempt a Walk A Mile In Her Shoes event, but we discovered the task would be too much with the small amount of people we have and the time crunch we would have. So we decided to do smaller events throughout the course of the year to help spead sexual assault awareness. I was disappointed, but I am glad to be doing something with my last semster here besides studying and staring at the wall.
And of course blogging....
Basically I was born on a Naval Base where my mother was stationed. I was born a bastard. Am I ashamed? No! Should I be? No! The way I figure it, my biological father missed out on someone pretty fucking fantastic. I have probably accomplished more in my life then he ever will and that makes me pretty happy in the end.
I won't lie there was a time when I felt something was missing in my life, but doesn't everybody feel like that now and again? Sure I want to know, I want to see if he has changed from the guy who rejected me into an actual human being, but I guess that will have to wait. On the other hand, I was adopted by a guy my mom met and married and he became dad. Yes I was daddy's little girl, but I can't say I am as much anymore, but I will post about that later.
My mom and adopted dad split up in either '05 or '08, to be honest I really can't remember. But I moved in with my mom and her boyfriend and my dad got married later on. I was devestated at first because, you know, he was the only dad I knew, but I accepted it and moved five minutes down the road. I can't complain, the last 7ish years have been great with mom and her boyfriend and my brother (for the most part). We play video games, watch races and football, drink, have parties, and all of that other crazy stuff. It usually doesn't get too dull there. It also helps that I have my two cats and my two, soon to be, three dogs to keep me on my toes. But more on that later.
My life is not perfect, fa from it really, excluding all of the stuff I just said above. I have had problems since I hit my teens and no it is not PMS or whatever that crap they try to feed you in middle school. I was and still am depressed, suicidal, self concious, lonely, angry, and all of that lovely stuff. As much as people say it is up to you how you live life and only you can fix it...sometimes you can't. I finally hit rock bottom during my sophmore year of college when I was raped and then used twice by two guys I thought I could believe in to be there for me. I was wrong. I can't blame them entirely though, I was searching for someone to like me and make me feel like this horrible thing didn't just happen to me, but they were in love with another girl. I forgave one of them because that person is still my friend today and married to his love and one of my best friends. The other one can burn in hell with the guy who destroyed me.
After those events I just lost hold of everything. I didn't want to go to class, see anyone, eat or anything. I just wanted to die somewhere and get away from this world. I was suicidal, but I can admit that in some way I wanted somone to help me and pull me from despair. That brings us to the bridge. My best friend came and found me crying at the bridge and tried to calm me down while the police took me to the hospital. I stayed there for three days before I got out and withdrew from the rest of the semester. I took the whole summer to get the help I really needed like therapists, psychiatrists, everything.
I wasn't easy to deal with during that summer. I was angry at everyone and everything. I took it out mostly on my mom which made me feel like I was the worst daughter. I felt like I was the messed up child, the one hat my mom didn't want to have and I yelled at her for it. I had this idea in my head that she depised me for all the trouble I was putting her through, but she didn't hate me. She took care of me even through all the stuff I did, she was there taking me to appointments, making sure I took my meds, making sure I wasn't thinking about certain things. So I started to calm down.
The next school year I did okay with going to classes, keeping myself busy, and trying to get involved. Most people were just happy not to see me crying or running off to bridges. Luckily, there was this group started called One Student, which worked toward eliminating sexual assault on college campuses. I figured that this group was exactly what I needed to help get over some things that lingered. I wanted to make sure that situations like mine didn't happen to anyone else and I was so happy to know other people wanted to join the fight. Also I was given the opprutunity to be the leader of a Feminist group on campus. But that was the end of my junior year and things would be in process the coming year. But, I passed all of my classes even the ones I had to make up from the previous semester and I was on my way to my graduating year...this year.
Okay now we are up to the most current year of my life which is my graduating year and Shepherd University Class of 2012. In the fall of this year I went into full graduating mode, trying to get involved as much as I could, passing my classes, working, and everything. I figured there was so much of the camps I had yet to experience. Last fall I ended up doing a play called "The Vibrator Play" in which I was the wet nurse...yes wet nurse. Those were lojng weeks of rehearsal and performances, I thought I was going to die from either exhaustion or not seeing my cats. It was almost cats. Besides doing the play I was now involved with the One Student group and the Feminist group. The Feminist group didn't last long due to conflicting schedules and the play. One Student was put on the back burner due to the play as well. In the end of the semester though I was involved as much as I could be, but I have been doing more this semester.
Which brings us to this smester currently. I am finishing out my year by taking two required classes, and three easy classes, while doing an internship. It doesn't sound so busy, but when your school cuts two weeks out of the semester its hard to find a way to fit 120 hours for an internship when the schedule is loose. Luckily, I could make the internship flexible between two people to fill up the hours. In my spare time I try to keep up with my homework, focus on graduation, have some me time, and figure out how to go home. But things find a way to work out. I am just hoping to pass Darboe's class and my first aid class to be certified.
Other than classes I am an active member of One Student and helping with events. We were going to attempt a Walk A Mile In Her Shoes event, but we discovered the task would be too much with the small amount of people we have and the time crunch we would have. So we decided to do smaller events throughout the course of the year to help spead sexual assault awareness. I was disappointed, but I am glad to be doing something with my last semster here besides studying and staring at the wall.
And of course blogging....
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